After listening to Dr. Frederike Lenz's discourse on this topic, something was sparked alive within me. The remembrance and knowing that in this incarnation on Earth, I have come to embody this archetype strongly—since it's what's truly needed on this Earth at this time. It's so fiercely needed for women to awaken to the solar feminine flame at the center of their being. After all, it's exactly this fire and power that has been collectively contrained within women from the patriarchial age. There are such strong energetic conditionings within the collective feminine psyche that keep women from being in their full power. And one of the main ways that women lose their power, is through sexual relationships with men:
“The damage of the subtle physical body of a woman happen’s in different ways. Most of it is sexual. Most women lose their power in sexual relationships by being exposed to the lower sexual energies of men. Sexuality is not good nor bad, and depends on how you approach it. The unrefined masculine energy enters easily into a woman. Particularly during sex and during a sexual relationship. Women in relationships afix themselves more readily, very easily then men. When a woman is in love with a man, she thinks of him very often. And when she does psychically, she fixes herself to his consciousness. And whatever is in his consciousness will enter into her consciousness. And if there is destructive forces in a man’s consciousness, she then draws them into herself by attaching herself to a man that’s not highly developed; that still hasn’t worked those things out. They then come into her being, and while it may not destroy his spiritual potential, it has the possibility to destroy her spiritual potential. You can look at a woman and quickly ascertain how many relationships she has had and what they have been like by simply looking at her subtle physical body.
If your a woman and you are interested in enlightenment then its necessary to detach yourself from men until you become much stronger. This doesn’t mean you have to give up relationships and not be married, you can, but its just tricky. It’s important to not become emotionally wrapped up in a man.
Both women and men are powerful, but the strength of a man’s character is expressed through gentleness and through love, and ultimately through discrimination. It’s important for men to work on humility. For women, it’s Self Confidence. Its important for women to realize that power is your aspect, to be supportive of other women in their quest for liberation and for some time in a women’s life to step back from relationships. In your life you have gained your identity from the men in your life…because if men only see you in a certain way, they will fixate you. It’s like looking in a mirror and believing what you see…thinking that’s what you look like but with if the mirror is projecting an image and its really not you…so for most women when they look in the eyes of both men and women, and the image that is projected back, that a woman is psychically told to conform to is not really what she is…so its necessary to step back and be around women that are more supportive, or men who are supportive or enlightened persons…to discover what it means to be a woman…It’s not easy to know what it means to be a woman. You have to be commanding and assume your power. You need to avoid dressing that will attract lower sexual energy from men. We have to deal with the objective reality.
It’s important to be celibate for a while on the path of enlightenment…eventually returning to relationships or sexuality, yet with a sufficient detachment. And it won’t be sex anymore when you are together…it will be a giving, a pure self effacement, a pure transfer of energy…there won’t be any desire, no physical satisfaction and no personal self…won’t be harmful and your emotions won’t be wrapped up. Every action will be service and self giving.
Remember that we have tremendous power in our being and we can bring that into eternity. Harmonize yourself with eternity. Remember we are not a man or woman, we are both. Enter into the timeless, eternal life and light. Eternity teach me what it means to be a woman. Eventually you will become everything and nothing.”
-Dr. Frederike Lenz, Women - Men and Self Realization
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This talk by Dr. Frederike Lenz on Women - Men and Self Realization, really spoke to the truth within my own being. Women’s subtle physical body is pliable with light, and there are some relationships that can drain one’s energy and life force. I know, because I have been in such relationships that drained my energy; and I allowed that to happen. Not only did certain relationships with men drain my energy, but it also was a decent from living in the full embodiment of my Higher Self.
Introduction: My Story
After a 7 year period of experiencing a few relationships with men, I was fiercely awakened from my disillusionment last year. The intelligence and wisdom of Life came smashing into me, and my soul was screaming in rage after awakening from the dream I had allowed myself to fall into.
Between the ages of 14-19 years old, as a teenager, I was crystal clear. During this time period, I had a very strong intact connection to my Higher Self. I always knew what I had to do, and never experienced confusion, doubt or hesitation. Clarity dwelled and breathed in my Being. I knew myself. I never doubted myself. I trusted myself. And I was strongly anchored in my truth.
So you may ask, what happened the past 7 years? My soul decided to go on a wild journey of discovery. A journey into the realms of relationships and men. The games, maya and illusions of human relations and “love”. My soul said it was time to experience this humanness in all its facets. Little did I know, how challenged I would be to stay true to myself and deeply embodied as my Higher Self.
The years of high school
Here’s the ironic thing—I always knew clearly and strongly from the time I was 14 years old, that it was not in my highest service to have a boyfriend at a young age. My Higher Self told me that in order for me to grow into the woman I need to become in this lifetime, that I must not have a relationship with a boy during my teenage years. I strongly knew, from my Higher Self, that if I were to have a boyfriend in my teenage years it would take me off track. It would disempower me. I knew that I had to focus all my power, energy and focus on becoming the whole woman I needed to become in this incarnation, without being affected by a boy.
As a 14 year old in my first year of high school, I looked around at my peers who were dating, going on dates, having boyfriends and experimenting with sexual experiences. I observed something that most my age didn’t recognize, and that was how many girls who had boyfriends lost themselves in relationships. Instead of fully and pristinely growing into their own unique Self, untainted by any relationship or guy, they lost themselves in guys…in how they were perceived by those they were attracted to, and in changing who they were to be with guys. At this age, I witnessed this as a form of self betrayal. And I promised myself that I would never be like these girls. I promised myself that I would never betray myself.
How I now feel touched by my own innocent naivety. How strong, clear and centered I thought I was and could be…that I never could have imagined the maya, illusions and games of the world that were to come. My Higher Self says in this moment, “Honey, you were always strong, and yet, being on this Earth has been part of your initiations in remembering who you are. And in these initiations, they have been portals to awaken from the dream and come back to Reality. Often through severe self betrayal, which have been powerful awakenings.”
There was a strong inner knowing and voice within me, that knew that my natural maturation and soul embodiment process would be disrupted by being in a relationship. I knew that this process of becoming was one that needed to be held in a sacred container of aloneness. I sensed that like a monarch butterfly that dwells in the cocoon for some time, that I, like a butterfly needed to be alone in a cocoon of “singleness" in order to become the monarch butterfly I felt dwelling dormant within. It is incredible as I reflect back, how strong and clear this knowing was—that having a relationship as a teenager would impede the process of me becoming a powerful woman. I simply knew this inner truth, through direct gnosis.
Life would also support me in this chrysalis. I never met a guy that interested me while I was in high school. I had many guys that were attracted to me, but none that I was attracted to. This also had to do with my young body and ancient soul only interested in a soul connection, and most guys my age were only interested in my physical beauty. I knew they could not “see” me. They only could see as deep as they were in themselves.
Throughout high school, I never had a boyfriend and didn’t desire one. I was one of the only girls I knew in my school, that didn't have a boyfriend. I simply didn't need one. My Higher Self was guiding me strongly, and I focused all my time and energy on my studies, playing basketball competitively, doing yoga, meditation and time by myself in contemplation reading books on spirituality, and cultivating my Being. This protective energetic space I created for myself consciously was the fertile growing of the seeds of the woman I was to become in this lifetime.
When my friends were going to parties on the weekend and experimenting with alcohol, I chose to stay at home with my family and read, write and meditate. It didn’t interest me how most people my age lived in high school. I had no natural inclination to go to a party, to taste alcohol or do drugs. I always felt this intrinsic purity within, and knew that I was not going to ruin my body with alcohol and drugs.
I knew from a young age, that my body is holy and is the temple of my soul. Why would I destroy my body temple with alcohol and drugs? How could others my age do that? Why would anyone drink something that doesn’t nourish their Being? Why would anyone want to get drunk? How could being deluded and drunk truly make you more happy? I saw through all these illusions and games, and knew that they were only escape mechanisms. They were running from reality. They were not connected to their Higher Self in the same way I was consciously being guided by something greater then myself: Which I have always called, my "Higher Self”.
When other friends were embarrassed they didn’t have a boyfriend, I felt proud that I didn’t need a boyfriend in my life to complete me, since I felt whole within myself. I knew that everything I needed was already within me, and I lacked nothing. I was never lonely, even with always being single. I felt complete in myself. I often felt like an old woman, even when I was 14 years old. When friends were looking for a date for a school dance or prom, I fiercely and consciously chose to go by myself without a guy at my side. I appreciated my independence and sovereignty.
I remember feeling this sense of power of being All One in myself, and not lacking or needing somebody. I think because I saw so many girls my age feel insecure about being single, that something also within me rebelled against this conditioning. I chose what was true for me, instead of ever being conditioned to feel a certain way. It was like the normal realms of the paradigm I was placed in, didn’t have the power to control and subjugate me. The power of my soul, was stronger and clearer then the external world influence I felt. I knew that in order for me to deeply embody this true self integrity and strong rootedness in my soul, a boyfriend would not be conductive to this at this time.
The Transition From girl to woman
Another recollection that arises as I write, is the remembrance in high school of hearing girls call themselves "women". I remember seeing and knowing, that I was not a woman yet, and these girls who called themselves women were not yet fully embodying what it means to be a woman. When someone called me a woman, I would simply detest and say "I am not a woman, I am a girl". It didn't feel true in my being to call myself a woman, when at the age of 14-18 years old I still felt like a girl. I knew I was just a girl, and didn't resonate with the word "woman" at this time. It felt like a lie to say I was a woman, when I knew I was still a girl.
Somewhere in the depth and recesses of my soul and being I knew that the process of becoming a true woman is not something that just happens in adolescence. It's an initiatory process of coming into womanhood. We no longer have sacred initiations, rituals and rites of passage that mark this transition into womanhood as we once did in ancient times. Even in the years of being in university, I still didn't feel like a woman and knew I was still a girl. I would often inquire and contemplate, when would I be able to say I was truly a woman and no longer a girl?
It wasn't until I was 26 years old and had the guidance to step out and facilitate Sacred Women Circle's that I knew I reached the passage of womanhood, through going through a very arduous initiation (in which one day I will write about). I knew clearly and strongly, that I was no longer a girl and was embodying womanhood. I felt this ripening within my being, and this blossoming into initiated womanhood. I often spoke about what true authentic womanhood means in these circle's, and the difference between being an adolescent girl (where most of the population remains even throughout adulthood), and being able to say you are a woman.
Living in Europe: The year of freedom and youthfulness
Overall, I have never had a boyfriend or relationship while I have lived in Canada. Never. It wasn’t until I was 20 years old, living in Europe for the first time, and enjoying some aspect of being youthful, that I met someone that I was attracted to. By this time, I knew my period of cocooning in aloneness and True Self Emergence and Solidification was complete in some way—at least the most critical period for me fully becoming who I was supposed to be. They say the first 5 years of a child’s life is the most critical in their development, and I would say that the years of being a teenager and coming into adulthood are essential for the full blossoming of a Soul Embodied Human Being.
I am deeply grateful for the guidance and direct knowing from the connection of my Higher Self, that strongly told me to abstain from any relationship during these pivotal years of development. I also see in retrospect, how being single up until the age of 20 years old was one of the most crucial and essential preparations for the woman I was becoming, and am still in the process of becoming. It truly allowed for me to anchor deeply into my full Essential Being and Soul Embodiment, without having any attachments to distract this sacred alchemical inner process of maturation.
The experience of my first boyfriend and self betrayal
Now it was time for the games of love, men, boyfriends and relationships to take me by the feet. It started when I was 20 years old in Germany for the first time, the only year of my life that I ever felt like a young person. It was the only year of my life that my Higher Self told me to enjoy being young, experiment and play, because I had a very strong mission I would need to do in the future and this was the year to enjoy being “young”. I had my first boyfriend, who I was strongly physically attracted to and felt a natural connection with. He was very classy, had a European flair, dressed well, well groomed and came from a family where everyone was either judges or lawyers.
I was attracted to him and loved him, yet he didn’t have the same depth and spiritual awareness that I was embodying. Spirituality was taboo for him, and he laughed when I offered to do healing work on him and energy work, which was so natural for me since I was doing energetic healing work on people in my family since I was a teenager.
Yet we had other common threads that we enjoyed together, such as dancing, watching movies together curled up in bed, drinking cappuccino’s together in his student apartment, and cuddling. He was intelligent and was studying engineering, well mannered and was a gentlemen; yet at the same time I sensed he was a younger soul then I, more in his ego then his true soul embodiment and he wanted me to be something that I was not.
He wanted to dress me how he wanted me to dress, as if I was his doll. He would buy me clothes that he thought would look good on me, and wanted me to conform to a certain way of looking that fit his ideal “dream woman”. I hated this. I hated feeling like I had to be something that I was not. This was the first experience I had of being in a relationship where I felt the friction and pressure of conformity.
In high school, it was much easier to blow away any kind of energetic conditioning of conformity, but in an intimate relationship with a guy that I loved, I felt pressured to conform to how he wanted me to be. I remember the first time I was going to meet his family, he didn’t want me to wear my bright, colorful and artful $500 Desigual coat I had bought in Barcelona (the most expensive beautiful coat I have ever invested in), but rather, a black coat like most people in Germany. So I told him, if he wanted me to wear a black coat to meet his family, then he could buy me one as a gift, and I would wear it, but I was not going to go out and buy my own. This was the first dagger of self betrayal. Subtle, yet still self betrayal.
Now I see clearly in retrospect, how self betrayal doesn’t happen in just one incident…its insidious and is a slow process of burning ourselves by going against our inner truth—By wanting to be accepted and love. A very human condition.
I feel anger in my body as I write these lines. Anger for forcing myself to be something I was not. If we are simply not something, its because we were created to be different. This first memory of changing myself to be with someone I loved, was this black coat memory. The first strike of betrayal to my soul.
When was the first time you betrayed your soul?
When was the first memory you said yes to conformity, and struck a match against your inner truth?
When was the first time you did something that was not in alignment with your soul?
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And so began the human experience of relationships, men, and romantic love.
When was the first time I ever experienced insecurity and self doubt? In my first relationship with a guy.
When was the first time I betrayed myself? In my first relationship with a guy.
When was the first time I compromised? In my first relationship with a guy.
When was the first time I gave in to fear, as opposed to staying true to myself? In my first relationship with a guy.
All of this happened in a relationship. Note, that I don’t use the word “man”, since I was not in a relationship with a man, but a boy.
In a way, there is one aspect of my self that could percieve all of this as my fall from grace….yet again, my Higher Self tells me that this was all part of the Divine plan of experiencing the humanness of life, learning and remembering.
These experiences, like every experience forge us into who we are meant to be. They are life’s fires and the crucible of what we become.
During these last 7 years of my life, of my 20s, I have had only 3 relationships.
The first one was when I was 20 years old living in Germany.
The second one was when I was 22 years old living in Japan.
The third one was when I was 25 years old in Berlin.
In this article, I am writing only about my first relationship.
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After 4 months, I knew I wasn’t living in my truth anymore, because even though I loved him…I wasn’t in love with him, and I felt the need to be free knowing that this was a relationship of attachment and need, not pure love. I had the self honesty and authenticity to tell him this, and wanted to be friends and not in a relationship anymore. I then travelled extensively throughout Europe and Africa for some months, and upon returning for my second semester we got back together.
During these last few months of my student exchange and year abroad in Europe, I allowed myself to be young, reckless, danced in clubs and it was the first time in my life I tried drinking alcohol and had the experience of being “drunk”, since I had never been drunk prior to moving to Europe. I danced on the edge. I knew in my deepest heart that he was not the man I would be spending the rest of my life with, yet I wanted to enjoy every minute of this experience, and appreciating our connection for what it was. This sweet experience of being young and youthful—something that I had never experienced in this incarnation up until this point.
My first time having sex
It wasn’t until I was 21 years old that I had sex for the first time. When I first met my boyfriend when I was 20 years old, I didn’t have any interest in having sex with him. I didn’t need it and I didn't even desire it; I was planning on only having sex with a man when I would get married, in a sacred union. In a way, I was saving myself to have sex only with my future husband. Whether that was an ingrained conditioning from growing up in a catholic background, or a certain wisdom of my soul, I cannot say. What I can say with with clarity, is that I have always had a very strong will power. I have never been tempted by sexual attraction, and this indomitable will power is something I was born with.
Then after having a near death experience where I blacked out one night, I realized that life is too short to live in a projected future, and to fully live in the moment. I chose to give myself to the moment of life, and live with no regrets. So we had sex for the first time, and it was very important that it be very special. He bought roses and hung them on the wall…and lit tea light candles and arranged them in the shape of "I love you".
It hurt the first time, and it was like my body was resisting him from entering me. How our beautiful and holy bodies know so much more then we sometimes acknowledge. The first time after having sex, I remember feeling a deep truth emerge within me that I couldn’t ignore: I felt like I had prostituted myself in someway. I felt like I had given myself to a man as a form of pleasing him, and I felt like a prostitute.
Have you ever prostituted yourself and betrayed your truth?
When was the last time you prostituted yourself?
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I think to a certain degree, we all have had experiences where we have compromised and betrayed our souls.
