I cringe as I start to write this article, and my belly tightens. I feel resistance to write about my experience, nevertheless—I know I must.
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Sometimes in my life, I have felt like I had to go through certain human experiences just for the sake of bringing light to certain shadows existing, giving them voice in order to bring certain artifacts to the light.
Are you ready to join me on a wild adventure of a life experience I went through last year?
All my life, I very rarely felt anger. My natural disposition is very calm, centered and still.
It wasn’t until last summer that Kali screamed her full resurrection within my being, and lit my soul on fire.
It didn’t happen in a gentle, soft and nurturing way—it happened through self betrayal, giving away my power one last time, and a sexual trauma with a man. All in a short whirlwind of 3 months, with a man whose work in the world is focused on energy orgasms, orgasmic breathing, ‘conscious sexuality’ and tantric awakening.
I never thought in my life that I would one day be writing about a sexual trauma I experienced from a supposed ‘sexuality expert’, who offers ‘training courses to make you a master of yourself, a yogi in the bedroom, to awaken your inner cosmic bliss’. I feel sick as I read these words. This person’s work is focused on the healing of old wounds and trauma’s, in order to come into ecstatic bliss, through awakening the sexual energy via breathing and energy work.
A year prior to meeting me in person, we were connected on Facebook. He admitted to me that he loved my photos so much, that he made it the background photo on his phone and laptop, and even asked to use one of my photos for his website. Throughout the next year he would occasionally write me messages and wanted to come visit me in Berlin.
What I recognize in retrospect is that energetically looking at my photo everyday, and having my energetic essence being transmitted through my photo on his phone and computer was a way of energetically attracting, or subtly pulling me into his life, and hence, I also felt this pull to meet him that I didn’t fully understand at the time. We can call this a form of modern day “law of attraction” at work. Now I can also see the subtle shadow element of the law of attraction, which can also be a form of manipulative energy when we impose our will on attracting someone into our life; as opposed to trusting the alignment of grace and the path of life to reveal itself to us through our heartfelt intentions.
A lesson I learned: Always be aware of why you may feel attracted to someone, and what the underlying energy of the attraction is.
Had I been more aware of this at that time, perhaps I would have been more strongly vigilant with myself as to why I felt this pull to him. Where does this pull come from? Why are we drawn to certain people? Why did it feel like I almost didn’t have a choice that our lives would eventually intersect? Can we utilize the power of energy and focused intention to create manifestation solely from our will? And what are the consequences of this?
Eventually last year in the spring, he wanted to come to Berlin to visit me. I had some red flags that came up before him coming. Something in me knew he was a “bad boy”. I had always known that, energetically and psychically, yet I ignored my inner forewarning and decided to step into red water. I’ve never been enchanted by ‘bad boys’ nor men easily taken by their sexual impulses, or men who have had many different lovers or partners. Sexuality for me has always been deeply sacred, holy and a powerful alchemy that unites two souls rooted in love.
So when we came together, I had the opportunity to learn more about him. He grew up with a very dysfunctional family, and had strong childhood woundings. I could feel the pain he was carrying inside him. I could sense a lot of hurt within him, especially when it came to relationships.
One time I asked him if I could experience his work, as I wanted to experience the type of sessions he does with mainly women on “trauma clearing sessions” in conjunction with “energy orgasm”. I was curious and intrigued by his work. Yet, within the first 3 minutes of him working on me, I simply said out loud what came to me psychically as embodied direct knowing—“You’ve been abused.” It was not a question, as I said this matter of factly—direct knowing of truth.
As he was doing this pain and trauma release session on me, I could feel that his bodywork and energy work was not pure. It was tainted with the abuse he experienced as a child, and he was doing healing sessions with mainly women where he is in the position of evoking much pain within people, in order to release it—yet what I sensed is that something within him was feeding off this pain in those he worked on. Something within him subconsciously liked to be in the role of power.
I felt the essence of a helpless boy that was once powerless and not in control, needing to be in power now as an adult, in order to compensate for the lack of power he experienced as a child. Instead of being a victim of pain, he was now in the role of being the perpetrator of pain in his “clearing and trauma sessions”. I could clearly see the hidden subconscious imprints and forces at play, that fed something in his own pain body to activate other people’s pain bodies.
His healing sessions were not done with love, sensitivity and gentleness—it was the opposite—dominating, forceful and ruthless in many ways. Something really didn’t feel right. It reminded me of all these articles I had read on the “wounded healer” while studying my Master’s degree in Transpersonal Psychology, on people who work as healers who have not resolved and healed their own inner wounds from childhood.
And as for the “conscious and sacred sexuality” part of this connection, I simply didn’t experience conscious sexuality—the opposite actually. It was a real wake up call for me. A brutal slap in the face, to wake me out of my naivety.
I had never been with a man that was so focused on just the perceived goal and outcome of ‘orgasm’, as opposed to true communion, union, and pure love. It was the most adolescent and immature version of sexuality I have ever experience with anyone.
In my life up until this point, I had never experienced any sexual trauma. I had only beautiful, respectful and mature encounters with men where I felt honored. I find it quite ironic that through being with this ‘sexual healer’, I had my first traumatic sexual experience.
I feel very uncomfortable and vulnerable sharing about my experience, yet I feel strongly summoned to share:
Laying in bed one day, he had his finger inside my yoni and was moving his finger really fast inside me trying to make me orgasm (most likely how he had seen many porn movies in his life), and instead of giving me an orgasm—he actually made me bleed.
There was no orgasm, and only a lot of bright red blood all around my thighs. I was shocked and scared, since I had never bled in any of my previous sexual experiences prior with men. My legs were shaking, I felt like I was in a nightmare and when I told him about the blood I found after from his finger moving so roughly within my body, he said to me: “Either I am doing you really good or really bad.”
I was repulsed by this answer—what does that exactly mean? How can you not know whether you are serving someone’s well being or hurting their well being? What form of ignorance is this?
This happened one more time a week later. On this occasion when it happened again, and there was some blood on the bedsheets he simply said to me: “Can you clean the bed sheets?”. There was no remorse, sadness or empathy.
I could only realize in retrospect that he wasn’t able to feel compassion, empathy or caring simply because he was not connected to his heart. If you are connected to your heart, and feel your heart in every moment, you feel other people as well—and it’s only when you are not connected to your own heart that you can cause harm to others. And I would also say, that when we are not connected to our own body, that is when we can hurt other people’s bodies.
One of the most natural things to do when working with another person’s body is to gently attune ourselves to that body—feeling into it, what does it need, what is it saying—this practice of attunement requires presence, sensitivity and a natural capacity to feel another within yourself.
I started to feel that something was really off in this connection and was not healthy. I also had never had the experience of being with a man that was so insecure, needy, reactive and created drama. It was a learning experience for me, to see the ways that adults who experienced deep childhood woundings get locked into old patterns and distortions when one is not willing to do their inner healing work. Very quickly, I knew I didn’t want to be in connection with him and was able to see clearly that he was not embodying his work that he was teaching in the world. Teaching courses on sacred and conscious sexuality, while not at all embodying and living this.
Doing 'trauma healing sessions', and at the same time causing me my first sexual traumatic experience? How can someone who heals trauma’s, also be someone who creates traumas?
On this person’s website he says, “I'm here to help you speedup your awakening and transformation process. From healing deep traumas, letting go of pain towards experiencing the most beautiful blissful states.” His website also talks about awakening the heart and feeling love. The truth is that, what he is teaching the world is exactly what he most needs to embody himself. This is often the case for many practitioners and teachers.
When I told him I needed to have some space to align with my inner truth and wasn’t sure if this connection with him was what I wanted, he was not able to honor this request for space. Instead he would write me a message saying, “Nicole, I can’t be in this in-between space, and I just want to be with someone—and I am a man and I have lust.” When I asked him what he meant by the last part, of being a man and having lust, he then said: “Nicole, don’t waste your time on little things—your much bigger then that.” If that’s not classic manipulation, I don’t know what is.
Telling a woman that your a man and have lust, as a way to make her insecure that she will lose you to another woman—is one of the most distasteful statements I have ever heard from any man in my life. He also wrote, “Nicole, I invite you to claim me if you want.” The truth was that I would never claim and choose to be with a man that subconsciously tries to make me feel insecure that I would lose him to another women through his masculine lust and sexual desire. It's a sick form of manipulation.
A few days later I was in my studio with a friend. I asked her if she could hold space for me to process these fiery energies moving through my being. I put on some music, and I got on my knees, felt the fire within myself, and started to scream. I allowed myself to feel this pure rage and anger that was ignited within my soul, of having allowed myself to be with a man that was completely in a different sphere of consciousness—and as a result of this, I experienced a trauma to my body. I was angry with myself! Actually, to use the word angry would be diminishing the totality of this wave of energy moving through me—not just angry—BURNING in the deepest fire my soul had ever experienced. Pure raw primal rage awoke like a wildfire within my soul.
A man, that wasn’t a man—but was only a hurt little boy. A man that was not rooted in his heart at all, and had the tenacity to use his masculine lust as a threat to try and make me feel insecure that I would lose him to another woman if I didn’t make up my mind quickly—as opposed to honoring my request for space.
I felt the strongest rage and anger burn through my entire body, for having betrayed myself by not listening to my inner knowing at the beginning. I felt the deepest rage for the state of this planet and how traumatized, hurt and wounded many people are that we don’t grow into initiated adulthood as a species and instead remain lost in childhood woundings that then perpetrate more hurt, pain and trauma onto other people. Traumatized people are usually the ones who cause trauma onto others, when they lack the awareness of their inner wounds.How can we as a species come into wholesomeness and healthiness if trauma continues to be perpetrated like a disease running rampant in society?
For the first time in my life, I felt the true power of anger being unleashed within my cells. The anger and the rage that snaps one awake from the temporary disillusionment’s. A bitch slap from Kali, to wake the fuck up and see reality clearly. To stop giving away my power to those who position themselves in authority, and thinking that anyone outside myself knows more then me simply because they are older, more experienced or proclaimed “teachers”.
This experience allowed for me to reclaim my power, and burned me into the fires of the crucible of my soul. There would be no more compromising after this experience. There would be no more self betrayal after this experience. For the first time in my life, I didn’t just say I felt anger quietly—I felt the full embodied experience of scorching holy fire of anger burning to the brim within my soul.
KALI HAD COME ALIVE WITHIN ME.
KALI HAD AWAKENED WITHIN ME.
KALI HAD BEEN IGNITED.
And she was here to stay.
As I kneeled on the floor, screaming, giving expression to this burning anger and rage scorching through me—I let out all the rage and ocean waves of deep primal anger flowing through me and a powerful invocation was awakened within me.
I started to scream from this tremendous power that had awakened within me at the top of my lungs from the deepest part of my innermost being:
WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE THE TRUE MEN ON THIS EARTH? WHERE ARE THE INITIATED WARRIORS OF LOVE AND TRUTH, WHO ARE ON THIS EARTH TO SERVE AND PROTECT THE FEMININE, AND NOT DESTROY LIFE. WHERE ARE THE TRUE INITIATED MEN, AND NOT JUST THE ALL PREVALENT ADOLESCENT BOYS THAT ARE DISGUISED AS MEN IN OUR MODERN WORLD. WHERE ARE YOU?
The deepest longing for true men was sparked alive within me. A man, and not a boy. A man, instead of wounded boys masquerading themselves as men.
And guess what? Through the power of invocation they came into my life this year. Initiated men. My next article will be about my experiences with the true Divine Masculine expression, presence and consciousness that has graced my life this year.
What is this destructive energy within the masculine that hurts, destroys and violates?
In my experience, it is the disconnection to the heart center. One can only hurt, destroy and violate another when they are disconnected from the love of their own heart.
This sexual trauma from this ‘sexual healer’ that teaches internationally workshops on sacred sexuality, conscious relationships and energetic orgasms has been the most destructive experience I have had happen to my body. For such a long time, I felt tremendous anger at myself for not seeing clearly sooner, and thinking that this man somehow knew something more about sexuality then I did, simply because it was his profession.
The learning: Don’t assume that teachers have it all together. Don’t give away your power and authority to anyone. Use clear discernment when navigating this path, and make sure to inquire and question why one does the work they do in the world? What is it that motivates them to do healing sessions on others?
It has taken me a while to come into a state of full compassion to this person—after experiencing a lack of awareness, consciousness, heart centeredness, presence, and attunement from this man—that resulted in my yoni bleeding red blood down my thighs. Yet, what has been much more difficult then forgiving him has been forgiving myself. In actuality, I was never angry or blaming him for this trauma I experienced—I was fully angry at myself for being so naive and allowing myself to be with such a person. All my life, I have never felt like a victim. In this experience of sexual trauma, I also do not feel like a victim.
In the higher wisdom, I see that my Higher Self chose this experience to wake up my soul. It had to be such an extreme experience to wake me up—to ignite my soul, fire and power.
So often in our society and especially within the field of contemporary spirituality, we have been conditioned to think that anger is somehow a “negative” emotion and we should not feel angry about anything. This is the greatest suppressor of our times. Anger is connected to our essential power and strength, and this is the exact reason that sacred activism hasn’t fully been ignited yet within all spiritual warriors on this Earth.
When your anger is awakened, your power is unleashed and you can no longer be asleep in a daze of disillusionments. Fierce awake anger cuts through all the lies and is a catalyst for transformation.
This type of anger that I am writing about, has nothing to do with the mental mind. This form of anger I am giving expression and reverence to is holy sacred medicine of rage—and it comes from the awakened soul.
The awakened soul within all of us, that declares: I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! NO MORE! NO MORE COMPROMISING! NO MORE HURTING MYSELF THROUGH MY OWN IGNORANCE AND DISILLUSIONMENT! ENOUGH PAIN! It does not come from ego, but from the voice of the soul!
The light of truth pierces through all darkness of ignorance. Clarity is a sword of light.
My soul would say to this person:
I know you didn’t purposely try to hurt me. I know you simply didn’t know what you are doing. I know you have been conditioned from watching porn from a young age that makes you think that my body must respond like all the other women you have seen orgasming in videos—but I need to remind you that my body is innocent. My body is the temple of my soul. All women’s bodies are sacred temples—not sexualized objects. You should only place your finger inside a women’s yoni with the highest degree of respect, honor, love and reverence. Who do you think you are to be rough and aggressive trying to force a body to do something that it’s not ready to do? You must learn to listen to a women’s body and hear the voice of the yoni—instead of operating from the patriarchal conditioning within you that instructs you to dominate and use force and power over attuning yourself to softness, gentleness and tenderness.
True love, intimacy and connection comes from the heart. This is essential. Whether a woman has an orgasm, or doesn’t have an orgasm, means absolutely nothing compared to true connection which has its roots in one’s own connection to one’s inner most being. Being only focused on the orgasm, is the most superficial construct. You need to go deeper within your being, and heal the wounds of your heart—in order to initiate yourself into true manhood. And a true man would never violate a women’s body with a lack of presence and love, a true man knows how to serve a women from his soul and only honors, loves and protects a women—a true man would never make a women’s yoni bleed from his own egoic desire to see her orgasm for his own pleasure and self esteem. This is the difference between adolescent boys and true initiated men.
What has supported my healing process has been focusing and recounting all the times in my life that I have had sacred, honoring and beautiful sexual experiences with men. 99% of all my previous sexual experiences were healthy—with this being the only traumatic sexual experience to date. I feel grateful for this, knowing and realizing how much my body, heart, soul and yoni has been honored by men that embodied a mature and healthy sexuality; has been a true blessing.
It’s taken me 1.5 year to write about this experience. I felt that I had to write about my experience and share it, in order to bring light to this subject.
Not everyone in the healing, spirituality and sexuality field has done their inner work, and not everyone should be working on other people. Be diligent, use fierce discernment and never think that proposed experts in a field know more then you do. Be your own self authority, and listen to voice of knowing within (self gnosis).
And always remember, anger is connected to your essential strength and power. We all have different life initiations that awaken us in different ways, and this was my fierce initiation into the Power of Kali and Awakened Rage.
May you receive whatever it is that is needed from this sharing, and may this article serve as an expression of truth, liberation of light, healing, and reminder in whatever way its meant to serve your soul—and the truth already existing within you.
In honor and service to truth,
♡ One with Kali ♡